Minnesota, we have to talk. Actually, this is more of an intervention than anything. It might be hard to admit, but you have a problem, Minnesota. Because your taste in candy is the worst.

Let’s start with your favorite Halloween candy. Tootsie Pops? This was always my expression as a kid when an adult would put a Tootsie pop in my Halloween bag:


As I wrote last year in my article The 5 Worst Halloween Candies In Rochester:

The real reason no one has ever gotten to the center of a Tootsie Pop is because it gets boring after about 30 seconds. I’ve gotten more entertainment from licking a flag pole in January.

Note: This is still true.

But what about Valentine’s Day, you may ask? Surely Minnesotans prefer something delicious and chocolatey for their favorite candy! Maybe like…nope, they prefer eating heart-shaped chalk that contain random phrases from a Hallmark card? Still? Really? Huh. Okay.

We’re not done yet, though! There’s still Easter! That, of course, means jelly beans are in season! And Minnesota’s favorite jelly bean flavor is…black licorice. Out of all the flavors, you'd choose the one that most looks like you're eating a rabbit turd?

It’s still not too late, Minnesota. Go to the store. Buy some Peanut Butter Cups. Pour some Skittles down your throat. Dine on a Hershey’s Cookies ‘N Cream candy bar. Savor those yellow Starbursts, baby. When it comes to candy, there’s a world of limitless options! We need to stop being a state that seems like it's only populated by Ethyls and Eugenes.

On the bright side, Minnesota’s candy is way better than Wisconsin’s.